HarmlessFreeRadicalsThePlay

Harmless Free Radicals The Play

This is that Three Act Play I've threatenned in the back of a couple of my books to publish. I doubt that I ever will outside of this wiki. But I will probably use large portions of it for other projects, or maybe even a new play. Yes, there are mispellings galore. I'm not going to fix them here.

HarmlessFreeRadicals: a Slice in the Life of
(This story takes place after the seventh book, Kote of the Drum People has been defeated and Brian and Dakota are on the fairy on their way back home from Victoria.)
(Before the curtain rises, a tall young woman dressed in a business suit, with short blonde hair, sunglasses and a cell phone mic addresses the audience before going through the curtain to take her place)
Gretch: OK, here's a list of things you need to know. Fenmere is a dragon. He writes a weekly comic called Harmless Free Radicals. It comes out on these handbills. I'm in the comic. I read these handbills. Everybody does. .. Oh, and Kote of the Drum people turned out to simply be a man dressed in a fifty five gallon drum. Once we learned his weekness, The Great Metal Menace was easily defeated. We stood before his iron will, and won.
[exit Gretch]

(The scene: Anton's Java Joint, where Ian, Brenna and Gretch are seated near the side window waiting for their lattes, kitty corner from the Order of Bearded Men's usual seat where nobody is sitting just yet. There are a couple of customers seated at the other tables, and there's a small line at the counter. The sound of milk being foamed is prominant. The Barista is a young blonde college student, smart looking but terminally cute in everything she does.)

Ian: That... was incredible. I mean, how many bands have a first rehersal like that? If only Brian had been there. Once he joins the group, we are going to be unstoppable.
Brenna: Well, Ian...
Ian: I'm so glad Jenifer insisted we play! Didn't I tell you? Did I tell you not? It's like destiny.. reached out her hand and..
Brenna: Ian...
Barista: And what would you like?
Customer #1: I'll take a single short latte.
Brenna: It's.. It's not like, you know, we're just, you know, doing this for the fun of it.
Ian: I tell you, once we've got Brian, we will just flatten this town. Musically speaking, of course. He's trained now, like a Jedi master.
Barista: Would you like whippy on that?
Customer #1: It's a latte.
Gretch: I think Brenna has a point.
Brenna: That's OK, I just made it. If he missed it, it's because his brain is full.
Barista: We've got flavored whippy.
[enter Horus Baily]
Ian: A Jedi master with stronger Kung Fu than Bruce Lee. I know. I've been reading the handbills. Fenmere made sure he went to the right teacher, all right. Matt Belgium really put him through his paces.
Barista: We've got chocolate whippy, and raspberry whippy.. It's really good. You should try some.
Customer #1: It's a latte.
Barista: Here, I'll put some on your finger.
Customer #1: No.
Barista: Alright... [turns to make his drink, shouting over her shoulder] Your drinks are ready!
Brenna: I'll get them. [goes to get their drinks which are waiting on the counter in those wide latte bowl cups, two of them have whipped cream on them]
Ian: I can't wait. You know, we could have defeated Kote a whole lot faster if we'd had Brian's guitar on our side. But there would have been collatoral damage.
Gretch: We did just fine.
[there is something of a pause as Brenna slowly brings the drinks to the table. Breaths are held until they are safe.]
Ian: I haven't seen you talking on your cell phone much lately, Gretch. You finally cured?
Gretch: I'm making up for my legal fees by saving on minutes. It slows down my business some.
Ian: But if it slows down business, don't you make less money?
Gretch: It evens out.
[Ian finally looks at his mocha and notices the whipped cream]
Ian: Aw, now will you look at this?! What is whipped cream doing on my mocha?! I distinctly asked for... You know, I BRIBE her daily! I've increased her cut to five whole dollars, two times the cost of the mocha itself!
Customer #1: Don't you dare put whipped cream on that latte.
Barista: Ok... But you're missing out.
Ian: See?! She doesn't put whipped cream on other people's drinks! Why mine?! Is she trying to poison me? Huh. This doesn't smell like an almond latte. Which is good, because I ordered a mocha, not an almond latte. No arsenic, and definitely no whipped cream! Will you excuse me? [gets up to go to the counter]
Brenna: She put whipped cream on my mocha.
Gretch: But you asked for it.
Brenna: Shshsh...
[enter Elliot Barnes, Dakota's dad, who sits down with Horus, the noise volume of the cafe increases just a little]
Ian: Pardon me.
Barista: Yes?
Ian: What is whipped cream doing on my mocha?
Gretch: This ruitine is getting a little old.
Brenna: At least it means he's preoccupied for a while every day.
Gretch: He's always preoccupied.
Brenna: Mmm... ... Now, where were we?
Gretch: Yes, OK. The shop code is pretty simple. The most difficult part is setting up the credit card deally, and I've got a good company for that. We can even use my FID... How many paintings did you say you had?
Brenna: Prints.
Gretch: OK, prints. How many-
Brenna: Well, I've got 29 left of Lupis Amoritea and three other editions of 15 each. Plus there's the monotypes. I've got countless monotypes.
Gretch: More than you'd want to handle on eBay, ok, perfect.
[enter Paul MacIntosh who walks up to Elliot and Horus.]
Elliot and Horus: Heeeey, Paul!
Paul: Hi, guys.
Ian: Look, I very distinctly said, "No whipped cream!" When I say "no whipped cream," it means I don't want any whipped cream! Chocolate, raspberry, cherry, I don't care! I NEVER want whipped cream!
Barista: No whippy?
Ian: No whippy!!!
Barista: But it's a mocha!
Ian: I don't care!
Brenna: Crash helmet?
Gretch: Crash helmet.
[they both reach under their chairs and pull out bicycle helmets and place them on their heads with the straps loose]
Barista: You don't like it when I give you whippy?
Ian: ... [after a moment of exasperated silence, he waves his arms in desperation, turns around, and storms out of the cafe. Brenna and Gretch watch as he passes by.]
[enter Jenifer, a short, dark haired twelve year old, the biggest fan of the Harmless Free Radicals]
Gretch: Wow, he's wired.
Brenna: He hasn't had his caffeign yet.
Gretch: Really?!
Brenna: Remember, it works backwards on him. A.D.D..
Gretch: Mmmm.. So, about this shop..
Brenna: Hey, Jenifer, how are you?
Jenifer: Guess what I got! Why are you wearing a helmet?
Brenna: Oh, this? We were afraid the building was going to fall on our heads. Isn't that right Gretch?
Gretch: Huh? Oh, yeah. In a manner of speaking. [takes her helmet off]
Brenna: [taking her helmet off] So, what do you have?
Jenifer: Next week's comic!
Brenna: But it's Sunday, those don't... wait a minute, did you say NEXT week's?
Jenifer: Uh - huh.
Gretch: Let me see that.
Horus: Look, I'm not saying I like it, I'm just saying that if he's going to utter words of such magnetude he better back them up with more than just Presidential mandate.
Paul: You're a windbag, Horus, but that's why we love you.
Elliot: I'm with Paul on this one. You're speaking nothing but the bull dog's truth, and it's irritating.
Gretch: I wish he'd put the time on these so we'd know when these things are happening...
Brenna: But - how?
Jenifer: Fenmere's been printing them out ahead of time for two whole years now. I stole it while he wasn't looking.
Brenna: So, where's Ink?
Jenifer: Still distracting Fenmere with his story. Ever since Fenmere had us write those essays, Ink has been in story mode. Fenmere says he's worse than the Story Teller himself, whatever that means.
Gretch: Hey Brenna, this says here that Brian and Dakota are just now getting off the fairy. They're in town as we speak!
Brenna: Those things still wierd me out. It's worse than my telepathy with Ian. Speaking of which...
Gretch: Wait a minute. Is this blob in panel four supposed to be Ian?
Brenna: Is it singing a Tom Waits song?
Gretch: Yup.
Brenna: Then it's him.
Jenifer: Can I borrow some money for a drink?
Brenna: Is it OK with your mom?
Jenifer: I'm not seven.
Brenna: Alright. Here. But you're not mis-wired like Ian, so only one shot. And tip the barista.
Jenifer: Of course! I always do that. [goes to get drink]
Gretch: These things are always too short. There isn't enough plot in one of them to tip a cow.
Brenna: Gretch, I love you.
Gretch: [throwing the handbill onto the table] It's just another profound cliffhanger. It tells us something big is about to happen, but not what.
Brenna: Crash helmet?
Gretch: No, if we put them on it won't happen and we'll feel stupid.
Jenifer: Raspberry!
Gretch: We're better off just waiting to see what happens. It won't reach this far into town, whatever it is. I mean, we just defeated Kote. Absurd things only happen to us once every... once every... [she picks up the handbill and stares at it then puts it down in disgust and gestures at it] .. not that often. We're well overdue for a long period of exposition.
Paul: Well, I'm just saying that if you think that way, you're just headed down a long road of pain, that's all. Look, back when I was in college..
Elliot: Oh lord, not parable one hundred and fourty-three again. Paul, we've heard this -
Paul: Let me finish!
[Jenifer makes her way back to the table and takes Ian's seat. During the next few lines she tries to put her drink down only to find that Ian's drink is in the way. She is then presented with the difficulty of moving his drink while still holding onto hers with both hands. She manages]
Brenna: Don't you ever get tired of having the comic looming over your head? The ever present predestination of a plot we only catch glimpses of? It's like a fairy dream. "Time passes differently in Fairport." These things are supposed to come out every Tuesday. They're supposed to chronicle our daily lives, the progress of the Harmless Free Radicals and their struggle to fullfill their prophecy to destroy the world as we know it. But we see-
Gretch: Where did that prophecy come from anyway?
Brenna: I think Brian said it jokingly, as sort of a brag.
Gretch: Ah, and Fenmere thought it was good material and made it part of the story. Yeah. What a marketting ploy!
Brenna: Amen.
Gretch: But it doesn't mean we destroy the planet. It doesn't even mean we destroy anything, really, just "the world as we know it." We could be just destined to alter society in some way. In fact, we could have already done it without realizing it.
Brenna: But then, wouldn't the story be over and these handbills stop coming out? Anyway, it's supposed to be a weekly comic and we see these things more than once a week. Heck, sometimes we see them twice in one day!
Jenifer: It's magic.
Brenna: It's disturbing and wrong, that's what it is. I wish Fenmere would stop writing them and leave our lives alone.
Jenifer: But it's what's keeping Ink alive. Fenmere says that the magic of the comics is what brought him back to life. If Fenmere stops writing them, Ink will die.
Brenna: Jenifer, Ink is supposed to be an imaginary friend. Imaginary friends never die in the first place, they just fade into the background as you get older.
Jenifer: But...
Brenna: I'm sorry, Jenifer. That was mean. I like Ink. If he were just imaginary, I wouldn't be able to see him the same way you do. I'd miss him.
Gretch: Ink wierds me out.
Jenifer: Ink is my friend.
Brenna: Yeah, Gretch, Ink is Jenifer's friend. He's our friend. You shouldn't be wierded out by a friend.
Gretch: Never-the-less...
Brenna: I wish Ian would come back and finish his mocha.
Gretch: Ah! Oh, it's my cellphone. [she looks at it like a beeper] Look I've got to take care of something. I might not be back for a while. [exit Gretch]
Elliot: What? What's wrong with that? You guys think I'm not serious?
Horus: No, Elliot, we think you're dead serious, and that's what worries us. Look, imagine congress passed on the supposition and wrote up that article. What then?
Paul: No more Fairport Community College, that's for sure!
Elliot: But they'd never do it!
Horus: Oh, yes. Yes, they would.
Brenna: Jenifer, doesn't it feel like something big is going to happen? Like a big 2,000 pound twinkie is looming on the horrizon?
Jenifer: [giggling a little and then looking all serious] Yeah.
Brenna: I don't mean to scare you, but it feels to me like doom is about to walk right in through that door. Oh, hey Ian!
[enter Ian followed by Brian and Dakota, who both have a small amount of luggage each. Ian is carrying a to-go cup. As he sits down in Gretch's chair, the barista gives him a dirty look, which he returns. Brian and Dakota stand for a moment.]
Brenna: So, what happened?
Ian: Mmm..
Brian: We got off the fairy, Ian met us at the dock, and we walked up here.
Dakota: Oh yeah, and they put whipped cream on Ian's mocha.
Brenna: Not that one, too!
Ian: Mm.
Brenna: That can't be it.
Brian: What?
Brenna: The 2,000 pound twinkie.
Jenifer: he-he.
Dakota: What do you mean 2,000 pound -
Brian: It's a Ghost Busters reference.
Dakota: Oh..
Brian: It means -
Dakota: Impending doom, I know. I saw the movie.
Brian: So, what about the twinkie?
Brenna: Read this. [she shoves the handbill forward on the table] The way it's set up and cuts off. It's so cliche, and yet it can't mean nothing. You can't read that and not help but feel like something big is looming on the horizon.
Dakota: [reading the comic] Wow... that's dark.
Brian: Well, I'm prepared for anything. Matthew said I'll never be a master guitarist, but he did say I've got all the tools I need to focus my powerchords for the use of all Good against the forces of Evil.
Dakota: I need to go get my Cello.
Brian: Really?
Dakota: Of course. I was saving it to surprise you, with a sonata on your birthday, but you already know I can play now. You'll need back up.
[just then, a cell phone rings]
Brenna: What's that?
[it rings again and everyone but Ian looks around. on the third ring they all settle on Ian's backpack]
Brenna: Ian, your cell phone is ringing.
[Lights go out. This is where the play ends and the next comic picks up with Nick's script]

Act II, Scene I
(It's the next day. The lights come up to reveal Ian and Brenna seated at their table. Noble Howard and Norton Jack are sitting at the Order's table. Norton does not and never has had a beard.)

Noble: Did you see the game last night?
Norton: Of course, I was there. Remember? Your wife makes great pizza.
Noble: Uhn. Why don't you go bother that guy over there?
Norton: I don't think he likes me very much. Besides he's talking to his girlfriend. I know she hates me.
Noble: How do you know I don't hate you?
Norton: Hate's a pretty strong word, you know.
Noble: Huhn! So it is.
Brenna: I still can't believe you got a cell phone, Ian.
Ian: Brenna, I think you are well aware of my position on the matter.
Brenna: Yes, but it's your velocity we're talking about here.
Ian: Huh?
Brenna: You can catagorically deny that you have a cell phone all you want. But it doesn't change the fact that there is indeed a cell phone in your backpack, or that you now regularly receive a cell phone bill with your name on it.
Ian: Circumstantial evidence. And besides, you have no proof that there's a cell phone in my back pack. Not until you open the bag and look. So your argument carries no weight.
Brenna: Then what is in your backpack?
Ian: A space-time continuity error.
Brenna: That's what you said yesterday. Ian, the Pentagon renames common day items all the time. They call a 15 cent nut a "hexaform rotatable surface compression unit." You know why they call it that?
Ian: So that they can pay two thousand dollars for it without anyone raising a fuss.
Brenna: Exactly.
Ian: I still don't see your point.
Brenna: Ian, do you believe in fate?
Ian: You mean, outside of the influence of the comic and the handbills?
Brenna: Yes.
Ian: Kind of. To me, fate is more of an adjective. It's like... It's the way that life more or less resembles a story. It's a quality, not a force. It seems like a law of nature, because our minds like to look for cues and patterns in the world around us. We see the things that support our theory that something out there is out to get us, and we're blind to the exceptions to the rule. But, it's also self fulfilling. We create our own fates, our own stories.
Brenna: And so, what about prophecy?
Ian: You know what I'm going to say about that.
Brenna: Pretend for a minute that our minds are not linked. Pretend that we don't know each other that well.
Ian: You want to talk this out because it helps you think about it better.
Brenna: You read my mind.
Ian: Brenna, I don't think Fenmere knows what's going to happen next week any more than you or I do. He's been writing his comic on the fly since the get go. Now, you tell me what I'm going to say next.
Brenna: Prophecy is just a form of forshadowing. Because it's a cliche, it could forbode one thing or the other. A broken prophecy is just as cliched, just as precidented, as a fullfilled one. It could be reverse psychology.
Ian: And you completely failed to read my mind.
Brenna: Now you're just being contrary.
Ian: No. Well, yes. I'm doing my damnedest to interject badly needed irony in the discussion.
Brenna: Well, it's falling flat.
Ian: I know.
Brenna: Did you notice how even yesterday, when we were all in town and there was the opportunity, we still failed to get the entire band together?
Ian: What are you talking about?
Brenna: Gretch left the cafe just before you arrived. The entire enseble of the Harmless Free Radicals has almost never been in the same room at the same time.
Ian: That's not true.
Brenna: Well, since we interviewed Brian. And Gretch wasn't really there, she was on her cell phone.
Ian: What about the Saturday staff meetings.
Brenna: You know as well as I do that Fenmere staged those.
Ian: Mmm...
Brenna: And that's not the only sign.
Ian: Oh, now don't get started on signs.
Brenna: You bought a cell phone.
Ian: It's a space-time-
Brenna: Bull shit! It's a cell phone, Ian. Next thing I know, you'll get a hair cut and start driving a car.
Ian: It'll never happen.
Brenna: You don't know that.
Ian: I'll never do it.
Brenna: You better be knockin on that wood, mister.
Ian: I don't believe in fate.
Brenna: Are you afraid of death?
Ian: Well, yeah.
Brenna: Well, I believe in fate, and I'm not afraid to die. But I am afraid of Fenmere, the Worm.
Ian: That's a good one. I'll have to watch that movie again and see how close you got it.
Brenna: Thanks.
[enter Jenifer]
Jenifer: Ian, Brenna, guess what?
Ian: More comics?
Jenifer: No.
Brenna: What?
Jenifer: I'm going to go buy a book!
Ian and Brenna: Ok, Jenifer, which - [they look at each other]
Brenna: What book are you gonna buy?
Jenifer: Catastrophic Shaft Detachment.
Ian: It's out?!
Brenna: Finally!
Ian: Let's go get our copies, Brenna.
Brenna: No, that's OK, I want to finish my mocha. You go on ahead with Jenifer.
[enter Brian]
Ian: OK. See you in a bit. Oh, hey Brian, Brenna's over there.
[exit Ian and Jenifer]
Brian: Yo, Brendog. Wassup?
Brenna: Call me that again, you little punk, and I'll rip your throat out.
Brian: You don't scare me anymore, Brenna.
Brenna: You're that good, huh?
Brian: I'm better. Matthew taught me everything. You know what they say about Fairport, right?
Brenna: Time passes differently here.
Brian: Well, it's true. It's like a Fairy mound. Sometimes a week will pass by here, and only a day will pass by in the outside world. Did you know that?
Brenna: I've suspected as much.
Brian: Well, more often than not, when a day passes in Fairport a whole week or more passes in the real world, sometimes a lot more. I think that's why Matthew Belgium moved to Victoria. He wants to be in real time.
Brenna: That's unbelievable. So, how long were you in Victoria, training?
Brian: Two years.
Brenna: But.. it's only been..
Brian: Exactly. Things are happening so fast out there, hardly anything we do here has any consequence. Do you even remember who's President right now?
Brenna: I, well... So that's why the Order of Bearded Men sound so confused.
Brian: Not exactly. They have some sort of link to what's really going on. They're connected and they're talking about events in real time, but they're living in Fairport time. To each other, they make perfect sense. To us, we'd have to drag a couple of them outside of Fairport limits to understand them, or find the connection that they have and tap into it ourselves.
Brenna: So, what did Matthew teach you while you were in Victoria? It wasn't just guitar, was it?
Brian: No, he's just a guitar teacher. But some of the things he made me do to learn guitar taught me other stuff. And just being in the real world helps. Also, Fenmere sent me a set of handbills every month, so I could keep in touch. He sent letters along with them that explained other things.
Brenna: Brian, I don't think the cell phone was the twinkie.
Brian: I know.
Brenna: It was just a sign. Something bigger is on the horrizon and I can feel it.
Brian: I know, I've seen its shape.
Brenna: Wait!
Brian: What?
Brenna: I just noticed something. The barista didn't put whipped cream on Ian's mocha.
[lights out]

Act II, Scene II

(same place, different bat time, different bat characters, we recognize Dakota)
Dakota: Dear Diary... Brenna is right, something is going down. It's hard to say what, but the electricity is in the air. Is it a political storm or a natural one? It's hard to tell. Maybe it will be supernatural. I didn't even believe in god before I met Brian. But now I don't know what to think. When Brain introduced me to Fenmere, everything went out the window. Everything. You can't look in the face of a dragon and not be changed. Of course, Fenmere is the only dragon I've ever seen, but the way he talks there are thousands, waiting, hiding, hidden in the hills and the woods and the storms. Of course, Fenmere himself has the utmost respect for the Scientific Method and what humanity has learned through the millennia. He idolizes it, more than I do. It's paradoxical.
Customer #1: I'll take a single tall mocha, and OK, I'll try the raspberry whippy.
Dakota: But I don't think this big event that's coming down is centered on him, and I don't think it's centered on the band. I think maybe Fenmere knows what it is. Maybe only subconsciously. And I think maybe he's giving us hints here and there in his comic. He definitely has some sort of plan for that thing. He says he's been working on it for five years now. Some of my favorite comics have been around much longer, and more people know about them, but this one is different. It's so off kilter, and the way it's scribbled onto the page but manages to capture us so perfectly.. It's like voodoo, or something.
Customer #1: Thanks! ... Hey! This IS pretty good!
Barista: Didn't I say?
Customer #1: You did indeed. I'll trust you from now on. Nobody else get's to make my espresso.
Dakota: Brian has decided to face his destiny head on, whatever that is. He's been going out at night and playing superhero. Mostly he catches vandals in the act, and the occasional drug dealer. And he's left the drug dealers alone for now because he's still not too sure of himself. He said something about running into another lone guitarist last night, someone as masterful maybe as Matt Belgium, but he wouldn't tell me more than that. It was Brian who said that we'd change the world, that the Harmless Free Radicals would destroy the world as we know it. Fenmere printed that in his book, the Lazy Boxer, and has since made it the mantra of the comic, slipping it in when he thinks it'll help readership.
Horus Bailey: What's that?
Barista: Rugelach.
Horus: What's it made out of?
Barista: Rugelach.
Horus: I'll take one.
Dakota: I don't know what to think of that, except that I don't believe in the end of the world. Not that the Harmless Free Radicals will cause it, at least, even with Fenmere writing the comic. I don't think Fenmere would want to bring about the end of the world, he loves it too much. No, something else is going on. He's just using it as some kind of ploy, a gimmick. Maybe even a metaphore. I don't think whatever is going to happen is that big, anyway. At first we thought it was Ian's new cell phone. Then I thought maybe it was the dark guitarist that Brian ran into last night. Things just keep happening that build the tension.
Noble Howard: I'll take one of those Rugelach things.
Barista: OK.
Norton Jack: I'll have one, too.
Noble: Will you stop following me?!!
Norton: Why?
Noble: Don't you have somewhere to go? Something to do?
Norton: You don't like me anymore?
Dakota: I think it's just our imaginations. I think we just want something to happen. It's the millennium syndrome all over again, just a couple years after the fact. But then, I keep hearing things about world affairs, and my social studies teacher seems worried. I just don't know... Well, that's my annual entry. Until next year, Diary. I don't know when, I don't know how or why, but sometime I'll be moved to make another one, I promise.
[exit Dakota]
Norton: You coulda just told me you don't like me!
Noble: I don't like to tell people that! It's rude!
Norton: But you don't, do you?
Noble: You're... you're like a bandaid that won't go away! A.. a puppy dog that won't stop sticking to you! You are annoying!
[exit Noble]
Norton: Hi
Horus: Leave me alone.
[end act II, scene II]

Act II, Scene III

(the lights go up and we find Jenifer and Ian seated and reading two copies of the same comic book, Catastrophic Shaft Detachment, by Fenmere the Worm. The cafe is almost empty.)
Ian: Heh-ha! I remember that.
Jenifer: mmm....
Ian: Ah, these were the good old days.
Jenifer: What about the flashbacks?
Ian: I don't have them any more.
Jenifer: Yeah, but you did then.
Ian: It made things exciting.
Jenifer: Sure it did.
Ian: I keep forgetting that you weren't hardly in the comics back then. What, there are only two, three pages with you in them?
Jenifer: Is that counting the guest strips?
Ian: I'm looking right now..
[enter Paul Macintosh]
Paul: Joe, straight up.
Barista: Would you like whippy on that?
Paul: Uh... Sure, why not?
Barista: ... cool!
[Paul takes his coffee with whipped cream on it to the Order's table and sits down just as Horus Enters with Norton in tow]
Paul: Hi, Horus. Look, whipped cream!
Horus: That's nice. Get a look at this. It won't let go.
Norton: Hi.
Paul: You might see a doctor about that.
Horus: I did.
Paul: Well, sit down, let's talk shop.
Horus: Let me get my coffee first.
Paul: Go right ahead. I'll just sit here and contemplate this thing called 'whippy.'
[Horus goes to order his drink, sees something in the eye of the Barista and changes his mind]
Horus: Actually, I'd like a pot of Darjeeling today.
Barista: Would you like whippy with that?
Horus: Are you daft?
Barista: Well.. You never know until you try.
Horus: You're right. I'm going to remain ignorant. No whippy.
Barista: OK...
Jenifer: [totally engrosed in her book] Pfft!
Ian: [also still reading, has forgotten his quest] Hmm-heh.
Jenifer: Geh-hahaha!
Horus: [looking at the laughing pair, he notices Norton again and scowls] Don't you have a job?
Norton: No. I don't really need one.
Horus: Everyone needs a job. Especially in this town.
[Horus takes his pot of tea over to where Paul is sitting]
Paul: Did you have her put whipped cream on your drink?
Horus: It's in a pot, it wouldn't work very well.
Paul: Ah, well, that's too bad, it's pretty good!
Horus: I'm drinking tea.
Paul: Well, you should ask her to let you borrow the dispenser. You could put it in on your tea every time you poor another cup.
Horus: Do you realize how stupid that sounds?
Paul: It's surprisingly good.
Horus: I'm not sure I want to talk shop with you today. You're in a bad mood.
Paul: No... I'm in a perfectly good mood.
Horus: Which is a terrible mood for talking shop. Where's your ire, man?
Paul: I think the whipped cream took it away.
[Enter Elliot Barnes followed by a woman. The woman stops when she makes eye contact with Norton Jack. After a moment she makes a halted motion towards Elliot, who's at the counter, and Norton makes a halted movement to get up. Then the woman turns around and hurries out the door. Norton looks after her forelornly.]
Horus: Well, go get her, boy.
[Without a word, Norton exits]
Paul: Ah, it's a beautiful thing when the puppy dog people finally find each other, isn't it?
Horus: I'm finally rid of him.
[Elliot joins the pair]
Elliot: Whipped cream.
Paul: Mmm.. Good, isn't it?
Elliot: Surprisingly.
Horus: Oh, that's it! Maybe Noble hasn't been infected yet! I'm going to hunt him down. I swear. The world is falling appart and you guys are consuming whipped dairy product like it's.. it's.. lithium!
[exit Horus]
Elliot: Boy, he's irritable today.
Paul: He really should try the whippy.
Elliot: Mmm..
[Ian leans over pointing at a page in his copy of CSD]
Ian: The Matrix has us! The Matrix has us!
Jenifer: Yeah, Gretch is funny.
[end act II, scene III]

Act II, Scene IV

(the lights come up on a mostly empty cafe, the chairs are on top of the tables and the barista is dancing while she mops the floor. Her favorite music is playing. Then something occures to her and she stops mopping the floor to look out the front windows for a while, thinking, looking. The lights go down)

Act III, Scene I
[the curtains stay down, Gretch enters from the left, she's talking ont he cell phone]
Gretch: The Times you say... It's funny, that paper is so mainstream I keep forgetting it exists. I'll find a copy.... Thanks for getting me up this early.. yeah. You know me. I normally would have slept in until one. ... It's so early, Anton's isn't even open yet. Yeah, the grocery store is, though, I'll get the paper there. Ever since I've moved to this town, I've been so out of touch. I hate TV, so I don't have cable, and the radio stations suck up here. But what you're saying is really scary. Has Seattle been hit yet?
[exit Gretch stage right]

Act III, Scene II
(in which Ian cuts his hair and gets a car, other disasterous things happen including an earth quake, and the last few lines are uttered)
[curtain up, lights come up on a newly opened cafe. The barista is doing something behind the counter while Brenna sits at the Radicals' table reading a bunch of brightly colored quarter page handbills spread out before her. Norton Jack and Sally, the woman he chased out the door in act II, walk in. They go up to the counter. Brenna doesn't look up, she's engrossed.]
Norton: Two hot chocolates with whipped cream and those little chocolate sprinkles.
Sally: Ooh, my favorite!
Norton: How long have you been in this town, you say?
Sally: I don't know. I rode in on a freight train back in '95.
Norton: You're a hobbo?
Sally: [giggles] Yeah.
Norton: You don't look like one.
Sally: Yeah, well. Anyway, I don't know what year it is now. Isn't that funny?
Norton: Yeah, it is. Wanna know something else that's funny?
Sally: Sure.
Norton: I don't know what year it is, either.
Barista: OK, here's your hot chocolates, that'll be $4.26.
Norton: Thank you. Let's go sit over there, Sally.
Sally: OK.
Norton: You know that if these were mochas, it'd cost nearly eight dollars?
Sally: Yeah.
Norton: Coffee is expensive!
[enter Ian. He has no beard, no ponytail, and no hat, and he's jiggling a set of keys. And as he enters, he notices a piece of yellow paper on the door and pauses to read it. Then he goes to where Brenna is and looks down at what she's doing.]
Ian: We all have our obsessions, don't we.
[Brenna watches as Ian goes up to the counter. She glances back and forth between the cards and Ian as he orders his drink.]
Ian: Forget the mocha today. Jenifer says your raspberry whipped cream is really good. I want a bowl of that. You know, one of these grande cups.
Barista: Alright!
[Brenna looks absolutely horrified. Enter Jenifer, who goes straight to Brenna and hands her three more colored cards, she's holding a spooky looking doll missing its left foot]
Jenifer: He's three weeks ahead now. It's unprecidented!
Brenna: Thank you Jenifer. [looking at the cards] These only serve to confirm this feeling I've got. [shuffling through the cards more and looking at them more closely] But... They don't say what's going to happen next! It's so infuriating! What is Fenmere trying to do? Is he warning us, or taunting us?
Jenifer: Ink distracted him while I got these cards. He's telling Fenmere about how he found my doll, Akailea, under my bed.
Brenna: Why is she missing her left foot?
Jenifer: She broke one of the Dragon People's laws, and they cut it off. That was a long time ago.
Brenna: I - huhn.
Ian: Hi, Jenifer.
Jenifer: Wow, that's a lot of whipped cream!
[Ian sits as Jenifer goes to order her drink]
Brenna: What's with you?
Ian: I thought, what the hell? Everyone is obsessing over all these things, like doom and gloom is on the horrizon. I thought I'd put it to its test, to prove it's really nothing. I had to borrow my grandma's car, though. I don't have enough money saved up to buy one yet.
Brenna: Do me a favor, Ian.
Ian: What?
Brenna: Grow your hair out again as soon as possible. I miss it.
Ian: OK. It's no big deal.
Brenna: But keep shaving.
[Jenifer comes back with a pile of whipped cream, too]
Jenifer: I'm trying the cherry this time.
Brenna: That's just disgusting.
[enter the Order of Bearded Men, Horus, Paul, Elliot, and Noble, deep in conversation. Horus is speaking German, Paul is speaking French, Elliot Italian, and Noble Portugese. All of them are extremely polite and gentlemanly]
Horus: Entschuldigung, bitte.
Paul: Etudier les schemas de montage.
Horus: Nein.
...... (they go right up to the counter, Horus first)
Horus: Whippy!
Norble: Whippy!
Elliot and Paul: Whippy!
Barista: ALRIGHT!!!
[the Radicals have been watching this whole thing]
Ian: The world is coming to an end!
Brenna: That is the strangest thing I've ever seen. I know three of those languages, and I don't understand a thing they're saying.
Jenifer: Look at this card here.
Brenna: Yup. Wow. There it is. Only, he draws Horus' nose all funny. And there's Norton and Sally.
[They all look at the card and then where Norton and Sally are sitting]
Ian: Five, four, three, two, one..
[Enter Brian and Dakota. Dakota stops to look at the yellow paper.]
Dakota: A liquor license? Anton's is applying for a liquor license?
Brian: Brenna, it's happening. It's coming down. I tried calling all my friends out of town, even Matthew Belgium, but the long distance company is having trouble.
[There is silence as they all look at each other and Dakota catches up to Brian]
Dakota: I still think it's all coincidence. Our imaginations are making things seem more dire than they should be.
[The order of bearded men pass by to their seats, all carrying grande bowls of whipped cream, talking multilingual gibberish. Dakota watches in horror, then turns to the others.]
Dakota: That's traumatizing enough for me.
Brian: Yeah, that could have been it, right there, all on its own. The big twinkie.
Brenna: I don't think so.
Brian: I don't think so either.
Ian: All we can do is sit and wait.
[Brian and Dakota pull up chairs from another table and sit. They all look uncomfortable. Brian picks up one of the cards and looks at it. The Order of Bearded men continue to talk peaceably and happily in their new form of code, utterly polite to each other. Norton and Sally kiss. After just the right amount of time, Enter Gretch, newspaper in hand]
Gretch: I couldn't get the Times, guys, but here's the Fishwacker, look -
[Just then there's an Earthquake. Everything rattles and shakes for what seems like almost forever. Things fall off shelves, the Barista squeels, pictures fall off the walls, a dog starts barking and three car alarms go off. People can be heard to be yelling outside. Then it subsides. Everyone looks around, tense and wide eyed.]
Horus: Holy Makeral, that was a tembler!
Paul: Six? Six point one?
Noble: Let's go find a radio and find out.
Elliot: I think that's my car alarm. I've got to shut it off. We can listen to the radio in my car.
Dakota: Dad?
Elliot: Dakota! I'm so sorry.. I..
Dakota: You summoned Kote of the Drum People, Dad. But you didn't do it on purpose. None can stand before his iron will. I still love you.
Elliot: I love you too, Dakota. I'm going to go listen to the news, you wanna come along?
Dakota: No, I'm staying here.
[Exit Order of Bearded Men]
Sally: Ooh, that was scary.
Noble: Yes, but I'm all right. It's OK.
Ian: Is everyone all right?
Dakota: I don't think that's the big one everyone says is coming. We didn't sink beneath the sea or anything.
Brenna: Yeah, but..
Jenifer: It's over.
[they all look at her, and then look around]
Brenna: Uh-huh. The tension -
Ian: It's gone!
Gretch: What?
Ian: The tension we've all been feeling, it's gone! Brian?
Brian: Yeah, I'm all relaxed now.
Gretch: Well, I'm the hell not. [nobody really hears her]
Dakota: Incredible.
[another long pause]
Jenifer: It's over!
Brenna: Maybe that was really it! Look! Guys! We're all here!
Gretch: Good, then I don't have to track you all down. Look at this. [She holds out the paper and Brenna steps forward to look at it.]
Brenna: [looking at the newspaper] What, this? Local teenage superhero captures armed bank robber using only his accoustic guitar? Way to go, Brain!
Gretch: No, below the fold.
Brenna: Holy... Oh no.. [long silence as they croud in to read] You did it. You finally went and did it. [really quite] You bastards...
Ian: Well, look at it this way. The prophecy was only half right. At least it wasn't our fault.